"My New Church Has a Slightly High Steeple..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

A few notes:

1. The other day Mama and I were talking and she said, "It's a good thing you don't like alcohol. You probably shouldn't ever drink very much."

It's a family joke that I wouldn't be much different drunk than I am normally, so I figured that was what this was, but she was kind of serious, so I said, "How come?" She said,--

"Because of the depression. People with clinical depression shouldn't drink. Alcohol is a depressant."

And I felt awful.

It's so weird. I mean, for one thing, I do hate the taste. Also the smell. It makes me queasy and I just generally think it's kind of awful. I really don't have any desire ever to drink or get drunk. But I thought, "My God, that's terrible." And--it's because I've never, ever thought of this in long-term consequences before. I think of it always in the short-term: the pills, the nights when I can't stop crying, and how I have to be careful not to trigger myself on things, things like that. But honestly there are things that are still going to be relevant years from now. I can't drink, she's right. And I have to know that I might give this to my children. And I could still be taking medication when I'm forty. It's honestly possible.

I just never even realised that before.

2. Transformers was awesome. I love Bee so, so much. BEE. ^_____^

3. I haven't eaten yet to-day, and I really don't want to. I think I am going to change clothes and go to the gym so I can read more Chernevog. Possibly I will wait until Mama and Maria get home so I can ask if Mama wants to go too.

4. Maria. Yes. That is her real name, and she has told me she'd prefer I used it. She's not worried about internet stalking. :D So, for the record: my sister's name is Maria, Maria Elaine, and that is what I will call her from now on.

5. Chernevog is wonderful. >_> And makes me wibble like crazy.

Comments

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

I think other people have made a lot of good points--being clinically depressed now doesn't mean you will always be (my mom went through a long severe period in her twenties and several less severe periods since then, but she's not always depressed and it hasn't crippled her life). There are a lot of factors that play into things. And it's not an inevitable genetic thing you're guaranteed to pass on. And drinking in moderation is probably not out if you decide to down the line (for example, drinking doesn't make me feel worse unless I'm really depressed--it usually makes me happy and giggly for a while and then I fall asleep).

It's good you're getting treated now. And it's entirely possible that things won't always be this bad.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I really hope that's true, as it is very, very tiresome. <--mockage makes it easier to deal? I need to give it a name, too. all my other issues have names.

It is good, I know. I'm very lucky.

Thank you. ♥

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

I apologize for general inarticulateness, and offer virtual hugs if desired. I am much with the "it will always suck" myself, so I get that it's harder to be hopeful from the inside.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

No, no, you weren't! *loveson* It is harder to be hopeful from the inside, but I have a lot more hope for the depression than the ED. At least, when I'm having a rational day. :D

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

Mmm, rational days. I'm in that too-depressed-to-take-my-pills mode (which is one of the reasons I haven't sought out regular antidepressants--taking the herbals sporadically doesn't have hideous side-effects). But...there is hope.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

KFJakljfksl! No, no, take the pills. I stopped taking mine and it was horrible. I take regular anti-depressants, so I got a host of physical side-effects too, but the emotional fallout was absolutely insane too. Pills! Is there anyway you can make it sort of an automatic routine to take them, like doing it right when you're getting up and stuff?

Always hope. ♥

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

Given that I've been messing up my birth control all summer (which I'm usually compulsive about), routine sucks, especially since I have to take them with food. I'm hoping that with school this fall my life will settle into something more routiney (and being SUPERBUSY generally makes me more functional).

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Augh! Youuu! *clingsto* I hope so, too! It's not good to be irregular about this stuff! (<--I know you know this, I'm just flailing. I love you. Please take care. ♥)

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

I know! I'm working on it (and I use backup BC). I think grad school will help a lot.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

That's good. I really hope so! I want you to have yourself taken care of. *loves*