"You Can Push Me Out the Window: I'll Just Get Back Up..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

In the last month, two people have made negative comments about my weight, and it's been freaking me out, so now you have to hear about it. That's logic, right?

The first time was Canal Day; I'd just come from the gym and I was at the library talking to Jeannie, and we were talking about getting enough rest; I said, "I'd love to be able to sleep more!" There was a man reading books beside us, and when I said that he looked up, looked at me, and said, "If you slept more you'd lose more weight."

Um. I don't even know if that counts. Jeannie didn't say anything, and I just laughed and said I knew about that study but I wasn't too worried about losing weight, and left as soon as possible. But I felt squicked for the rest of the day.

And then the second time was last Tuesday, after my human bio class: one of the older women there shared with me that she had depression, and I commiserated and said that I had it too, and knew it was pretty awful. She said, "How can you be depressed? You're so young! I'm fifty-two, I have a reason to be depressed!" I said, "Oh, goodness, age shouldn't have to be depressing! But," and I thought I should be honest, partly because she shared with me and partly because I shouldn't be ashamed of this, "I had an eating disorder that started when I was fourteen and I never really got--"

"How thin were you?" she asked.

"Um. I was never really malnourished--" I said.

"No, but how much weight did you lose? At your lowest weight?"

"I was a hundred and twenty-seven pounds," I said (I hate saying this. I will never weigh that little ever again).

"What?" she said. "That's more than I weigh now! What kind of eating disorder is that?"

"I was just never malnourished," I said.

"I'll say!" she said.

Um. Um um um. I didn't actually cry, but. And that's not the first time I've gotten comments like that, like 'that doesn't sound like an eating disorder to me', 'it doesn't actually count unless you lose a lot of weight', but I never lost weight. That was one of the horrible things about it. I ate very little and exercised three or four hours a day and I actually gained weight. My aunt said that didn't sound like an eating disorder ("that sounds like how my dogs live"). And--I don't know, it just triggers the hell out of me. I was sorry that I'd eaten breakfast that morning. I wanted to go throw up or something.

So--I don't know. This has no conclusion, except that this is part of why I have been not-eating a lot this month. I mean, obviously, the reccurence of the depression has something to do with it, but this whole other-people-commenting-on-my-weight thing just sends me around the bend, even if I'm overreacting, which I probably am.

On a positive note: it looks absolutely gorgeous outside right now. The sky is that very pale blue colour, like blue eyes, and the turned trees and the dark spruces are all mingled together and blowing a little in the wind, but patterned all over with sunlight, and a little bit of water falls every time they move, from last night's storm. It's lovely.

Comments

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

Those two people are poisonous, even though I don't think they meant to be. Please trust what you know is true about your own brain, not their misguided judgements of it from outside on very little data.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

The problem, I think, is that my brain is so untrustworthy. I have been relying in large part on other people to affirm my self-worth, because I feel I can't get an accurate reading from myself.

[fan-of-miggie.livejournal.com]

Sheesh, why can't people just keep their opinions and comments to themselves?
You're a really cool person from what I've seen so far; don't let people like that get to you...*hugs*.

~*Kelsey*~

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

That's human nature! We share. Unfortunately, we don't always share good things.

Thanks very much. ♥

[erinpuff]

*hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs* People are beyond awful, and I love you.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

<333 I love you too.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

>_< People.

*hugs you tightly*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*sticksto*

[zero_pixel_count]

*blinks* About the woman, of course it's a disorder, like the same as you can be an alcoholic on a pint of beer a day. What counts is what's going on inside your head, not the outward manifestation. Why is this not obvious to people? *flaily* And if she weighs less than that - I'm assuming she's not tiny short - then she's probably on course to become one of those tiny frail elderly ladies that everyone worries about, like my step-gran who is just getting more and more bird-like. And that's bad for her...

...say, do you think maybe she's developing an eating disorder? And subconsciously trying to tell herself she isn't, and using those justifications that she threw at you to convince herself that she's fine - and thus unable to admit to your disorder being real because she'd then have to face hers?

And about the guy, of course it counts, because it upset you, and I don't know where he gets off on making random comments about a stranger's weight. Very rude of him.

And for myself I wanna say it doesn't matter what you weigh, it matters if you're happy, and then after that it matters if you're healthy.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

She is tiny-short! Actually. She's much shorter than me, and I'm only five-one. But--yes. People, I think, rely a tonne on outward manifestation for proof, which is why so many mental disorders get dismissed or not treated as seriously as they should be.

She said she already has an eating disorder. :/

It was so random! I was really freaked out and upset, like, is my weight so bad that people who don't even know me will comment about it?

♥ Thank you.

[assimbya.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I'm so sorry - people can be so cruel sometimes.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*holdsto*

[jiasachan.livejournal.com]

I hate that people say things like that, and that they feel it's somehow their business to comment on someone else's weight. It's unpleasant and unnecessary, and in the second case, based on inaccurate information about how the body works. If you eat less than your body needs, your metabolism slows down, and so many people stop losing weight and even gain. And I would think that someone dealing with depression herself should know better than to invalidate someone else's problems that way. :/

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's always been my problem--the less I eat, the slower my metabolism goes, and hey presto I end up gaining weight. And I have been eating less than usual lately, and I know my weight is going up, but my reaction to that, especially when people notice, is just to eat even less, hoping hoping hoping. >_< Augh.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

I think I'm with zero_pixel_coun on this one--we know how gorgeous you are. One of the prettiest people I know weighs more than 165 pounds, and one of the other prettiest people I know weighs more than 200--and they're my height. Your weight doesn't measure how healthy you are or how attractive you are, so just concentrate on being your healthiest, most beautiful, happiest self.

Meanwhile, we love you dearly. *hugs*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

I know! I think so many people are gorgeous who would be considered 'overweight'. I just can't apply that 'I-know-they're-beautiful-regardless-of-weight' thing to myself.

*leanson*

[bewareofitalics]

...pay no attention to the nincompoops behind the curtain. *hugs tight*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*loves*

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

"How can you be depressed? You're so young! I'm fifty-two, I have a reason to be depressed!"

... I thought only teenagers who didn't know what depression was thought like that. Being depressed is different from having depression, isn't it?

*hug* Those people were horrible to you. I'm sorry people can be so insensitive. And stupid.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

It--it is. Um. I don't know. She was pretty--off, if that's the word I want. >_>

*hugs*

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Saints preserve us all from amateur doctors.

*makes you a T shirt with the quote "Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent" on the front and "STFU" on the back*

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Ooooo. *displays proudly*

[silverdragon262.livejournal.com]

Well! Naturally you should have countered with "How close did you get to dying? You know, when you tried to kill yourself?" And then, "Well, what kind of depression is that?"

Or, you know. Food for thought: maybe, just maybe, someday you can be the person who says "Actually, you're thinking of anorexia. There are other kinds of eating disorders, too."

I get the feeling that she was waiting with bated breath for you to say something like eighty-nine pounds, only to then remark that that's "so awful!" with pure delight in her eyes. So, really, you're better off leaving her disappointed. She has no right to ask that question of anyone, least of all someone who has just made her admission of an eating disorder. (Which, by the way, is something you should feel good about. I'm sorry that not everyone can be supportive.)

Be happy that you were never malnourished. Do not feel belittled by the fact that you did not so permanently damage yourself. You are recovering, and too many people do not get the option.

And regarding the first guy... horrendously inappropriate his comment may have been, it least he was moderately well-informed.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

...OH SNAP, ZARA.

*loves*

Thank you. <3

I know. >_> I didn't know anybody else was familiar with that study.

AHHHH!

[hohaiyee.livejournal.com]

Some people are just, not good company to keep.

Re: AHHHH!

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I have to be with the woman a good percentage of the time...!