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psalm_onethirtyoneIn the last month, two people have made negative comments about my weight, and it's been freaking me out, so now you have to hear about it. That's logic, right?
The first time was Canal Day; I'd just come from the gym and I was at the library talking to Jeannie, and we were talking about getting enough rest; I said, "I'd love to be able to sleep more!" There was a man reading books beside us, and when I said that he looked up, looked at me, and said, "If you slept more you'd lose more weight."
Um. I don't even know if that counts. Jeannie didn't say anything, and I just laughed and said I knew about that study but I wasn't too worried about losing weight, and left as soon as possible. But I felt squicked for the rest of the day.
And then the second time was last Tuesday, after my human bio class: one of the older women there shared with me that she had depression, and I commiserated and said that I had it too, and knew it was pretty awful. She said, "How can you be depressed? You're so young! I'm fifty-two, I have a reason to be depressed!" I said, "Oh, goodness, age shouldn't have to be depressing! But," and I thought I should be honest, partly because she shared with me and partly because I shouldn't be ashamed of this, "I had an eating disorder that started when I was fourteen and I never really got--"
"How thin were you?" she asked.
"Um. I was never really malnourished--" I said.
"No, but how much weight did you lose? At your lowest weight?"
"I was a hundred and twenty-seven pounds," I said (I hate saying this. I will never weigh that little ever again).
"What?" she said. "That's more than I weigh now! What kind of eating disorder is that?"
"I was just never malnourished," I said.
"I'll say!" she said.
Um. Um um um. I didn't actually cry, but. And that's not the first time I've gotten comments like that, like 'that doesn't sound like an eating disorder to me', 'it doesn't actually count unless you lose a lot of weight', but I never lost weight. That was one of the horrible things about it. I ate very little and exercised three or four hours a day and I actually gained weight. My aunt said that didn't sound like an eating disorder ("that sounds like how my dogs live"). And--I don't know, it just triggers the hell out of me. I was sorry that I'd eaten breakfast that morning. I wanted to go throw up or something.
So--I don't know. This has no conclusion, except that this is part of why I have been not-eating a lot this month. I mean, obviously, the reccurence of the depression has something to do with it, but this whole other-people-commenting-on-my-weight thing just sends me around the bend, even if I'm overreacting, which I probably am.
On a positive note: it looks absolutely gorgeous outside right now. The sky is that very pale blue colour, like blue eyes, and the turned trees and the dark spruces are all mingled together and blowing a little in the wind, but patterned all over with sunlight, and a little bit of water falls every time they move, from last night's storm. It's lovely.
The first time was Canal Day; I'd just come from the gym and I was at the library talking to Jeannie, and we were talking about getting enough rest; I said, "I'd love to be able to sleep more!" There was a man reading books beside us, and when I said that he looked up, looked at me, and said, "If you slept more you'd lose more weight."
Um. I don't even know if that counts. Jeannie didn't say anything, and I just laughed and said I knew about that study but I wasn't too worried about losing weight, and left as soon as possible. But I felt squicked for the rest of the day.
And then the second time was last Tuesday, after my human bio class: one of the older women there shared with me that she had depression, and I commiserated and said that I had it too, and knew it was pretty awful. She said, "How can you be depressed? You're so young! I'm fifty-two, I have a reason to be depressed!" I said, "Oh, goodness, age shouldn't have to be depressing! But," and I thought I should be honest, partly because she shared with me and partly because I shouldn't be ashamed of this, "I had an eating disorder that started when I was fourteen and I never really got--"
"How thin were you?" she asked.
"Um. I was never really malnourished--" I said.
"No, but how much weight did you lose? At your lowest weight?"
"I was a hundred and twenty-seven pounds," I said (I hate saying this. I will never weigh that little ever again).
"What?" she said. "That's more than I weigh now! What kind of eating disorder is that?"
"I was just never malnourished," I said.
"I'll say!" she said.
Um. Um um um. I didn't actually cry, but. And that's not the first time I've gotten comments like that, like 'that doesn't sound like an eating disorder to me', 'it doesn't actually count unless you lose a lot of weight', but I never lost weight. That was one of the horrible things about it. I ate very little and exercised three or four hours a day and I actually gained weight. My aunt said that didn't sound like an eating disorder ("that sounds like how my dogs live"). And--I don't know, it just triggers the hell out of me. I was sorry that I'd eaten breakfast that morning. I wanted to go throw up or something.
So--I don't know. This has no conclusion, except that this is part of why I have been not-eating a lot this month. I mean, obviously, the reccurence of the depression has something to do with it, but this whole other-people-commenting-on-my-weight thing just sends me around the bend, even if I'm overreacting, which I probably am.
On a positive note: it looks absolutely gorgeous outside right now. The sky is that very pale blue colour, like blue eyes, and the turned trees and the dark spruces are all mingled together and blowing a little in the wind, but patterned all over with sunlight, and a little bit of water falls every time they move, from last night's storm. It's lovely.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-21 06:02 pm (UTC)Or, you know. Food for thought: maybe, just maybe, someday you can be the person who says "Actually, you're thinking of anorexia. There are other kinds of eating disorders, too."
I get the feeling that she was waiting with bated breath for you to say something like eighty-nine pounds, only to then remark that that's "so awful!" with pure delight in her eyes. So, really, you're better off leaving her disappointed. She has no right to ask that question of anyone, least of all someone who has just made her admission of an eating disorder. (Which, by the way, is something you should feel good about. I'm sorry that not everyone can be supportive.)
Be happy that you were never malnourished. Do not feel belittled by the fact that you did not so permanently damage yourself. You are recovering, and too many people do not get the option.
And regarding the first guy... horrendously inappropriate his comment may have been, it least he was moderately well-informed.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-22 01:19 am (UTC)*loves*
Thank you. <3
I know. >_> I didn't know anybody else was familiar with that study.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-22 03:51 am (UTC)*two point nine nine nine nine!*
♥
I am...? There's been a whole bunch of studies on it, I think. USA Today articles and the like, too, so it's probably not that surprising.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-22 03:55 am (UTC)<33333333333333
Oh! We see how little I get out. XD
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