"Thank You, Disillusionment..."
Jan. 31st, 2009 03:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psalm_onethirtyoneFor some reason I am feeling ridiculously bad right now. I can think about it so much more logically than usual, which I assume is the medication (thank you, medication; I forgive you for costing about as much as a week's groceries), but the fact remains that I don't feel good. It's mostly just up and down, manic-then-depressed stuff, sort of run-of-the-mill bipolar, and it's not that it's bad so much as I'm just tired of it.
I'm very, very frustrated about being sick, basically. I shouldn't be; I should be used to this, and I know my four years is a lot less time than piles of people have had to endure their various and divers mental illnesses. I know that I'm a lucky girl with a huge support network, the money to pay for my uncrazy-making pills, two therapists, a psychiatrist who doesn't actually suck, and a great school that is very understanding about my problems (so far I have had to explain to several professors that I have anxiety disorder, and they were all incredibly nice about it--actually, I just finished writing an e-mail to Professor Righetti telling him he didn't need to apologise for making me cry after class yesterday, because it was a brain chemistry issue and not his fault). So things are really good for me.
At the same time, I'm just really miserable that this is still going on, and that it's still affecting my daily life. The light/dark affective is getting really bad, and I'm embarrassed by it. For the last three or four days, as soon as it's five o'clock or later I've just been crying for no reason at all, or with very little provocation. I start having to tell myself that everybody doesn't hate me, I start having to work incredibly hard not to fall apart (with very moderate success). Yesterday Dani ate dinner with me by myself because when I tried to sit at the table with everybody else I just could not deal, so I went off by myself and she came after me and sat with me. And I cried and squeaked out, "It's not fair. I'm so tired." Which is how I feel, even though I don't have that much justification for it.
My body is just so fragile anymore, it seems like. All it takes is one missed meal and I can't function at a normal level, my head hurts, my balance gets shot to hell, I can't make my sentences string together coherently. I get incredibly dizzy. I have had a headache for nearly two months now. It goes away for little periods of time and then it comes back and stays for days at a stretch. This morning, despite having breakfast and sleeping about eight and a half hours, I was so dizzy I could hardly function. I don't remember any of my first two classes, so I hope I took good notes.
And the thing is, apart from the physical and mental fail, things are going so well. I love my religion course, I love bio seminar, I'm doing really well at O.Chem--I had a meeting with Professor Reingold to-day because I wanted to get a tutor, and we went over some stuff, and I don't need a tutor so much as I just need to practise the maths more. I bought a new coat that actually closes in front, last week, and a really cute plum coloured shirt that looks surprisingly awesome. I have wonderful friends; Arielle let me sleep in her bed with her soft blanket on Thursday when I was depressed, and Michelle is just the epitome of awesome. Dani and Katie are so good to me, and Shawn acts like it's a chore to help me with my chem homework, but I don't think he minds that much. Maggie is the best roommate over. When I call home, everybody sounds happy. We have a new horse, The Quaker, and apparently he's a doll. I have fun in my classes, even the ones I hate. Things are going totally fine.
I think that's actually why the fact that I cannot keep my head together is making me so upset. It seems like there's no justification for it. And I really am tired of being so problematic. I feel like a drag on my friends groups. I hate not being able to learn at my best ability. I also hate not being the me I feel like I am. I know who I am, and I hate when it gets all clouded up with misery and loneliness and all I can do is cry and feel scared and alone and sick to my stomach. This evening I felt bad so I skipped dinner and just went to bed at six o'clock (and woke up at midnight. >_>) and that's just not me. That's the kind of behaviour pattern I used when I was unmedicated and undiagnosed. It makes me feel icky all over.
I see my therapist on Wednesday. So I need to let him know that I'm feeling this way, and hopefully he will have some suggestions. In the meantime, I just need to take a lot of deep breaths and try not to hate myself so much.
But I'm tired. And sometimes I just want this all to stop.
I'm very, very frustrated about being sick, basically. I shouldn't be; I should be used to this, and I know my four years is a lot less time than piles of people have had to endure their various and divers mental illnesses. I know that I'm a lucky girl with a huge support network, the money to pay for my uncrazy-making pills, two therapists, a psychiatrist who doesn't actually suck, and a great school that is very understanding about my problems (so far I have had to explain to several professors that I have anxiety disorder, and they were all incredibly nice about it--actually, I just finished writing an e-mail to Professor Righetti telling him he didn't need to apologise for making me cry after class yesterday, because it was a brain chemistry issue and not his fault). So things are really good for me.
At the same time, I'm just really miserable that this is still going on, and that it's still affecting my daily life. The light/dark affective is getting really bad, and I'm embarrassed by it. For the last three or four days, as soon as it's five o'clock or later I've just been crying for no reason at all, or with very little provocation. I start having to tell myself that everybody doesn't hate me, I start having to work incredibly hard not to fall apart (with very moderate success). Yesterday Dani ate dinner with me by myself because when I tried to sit at the table with everybody else I just could not deal, so I went off by myself and she came after me and sat with me. And I cried and squeaked out, "It's not fair. I'm so tired." Which is how I feel, even though I don't have that much justification for it.
My body is just so fragile anymore, it seems like. All it takes is one missed meal and I can't function at a normal level, my head hurts, my balance gets shot to hell, I can't make my sentences string together coherently. I get incredibly dizzy. I have had a headache for nearly two months now. It goes away for little periods of time and then it comes back and stays for days at a stretch. This morning, despite having breakfast and sleeping about eight and a half hours, I was so dizzy I could hardly function. I don't remember any of my first two classes, so I hope I took good notes.
And the thing is, apart from the physical and mental fail, things are going so well. I love my religion course, I love bio seminar, I'm doing really well at O.Chem--I had a meeting with Professor Reingold to-day because I wanted to get a tutor, and we went over some stuff, and I don't need a tutor so much as I just need to practise the maths more. I bought a new coat that actually closes in front, last week, and a really cute plum coloured shirt that looks surprisingly awesome. I have wonderful friends; Arielle let me sleep in her bed with her soft blanket on Thursday when I was depressed, and Michelle is just the epitome of awesome. Dani and Katie are so good to me, and Shawn acts like it's a chore to help me with my chem homework, but I don't think he minds that much. Maggie is the best roommate over. When I call home, everybody sounds happy. We have a new horse, The Quaker, and apparently he's a doll. I have fun in my classes, even the ones I hate. Things are going totally fine.
I think that's actually why the fact that I cannot keep my head together is making me so upset. It seems like there's no justification for it. And I really am tired of being so problematic. I feel like a drag on my friends groups. I hate not being able to learn at my best ability. I also hate not being the me I feel like I am. I know who I am, and I hate when it gets all clouded up with misery and loneliness and all I can do is cry and feel scared and alone and sick to my stomach. This evening I felt bad so I skipped dinner and just went to bed at six o'clock (and woke up at midnight. >_>) and that's just not me. That's the kind of behaviour pattern I used when I was unmedicated and undiagnosed. It makes me feel icky all over.
I see my therapist on Wednesday. So I need to let him know that I'm feeling this way, and hopefully he will have some suggestions. In the meantime, I just need to take a lot of deep breaths and try not to hate myself so much.
But I'm tired. And sometimes I just want this all to stop.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-04 03:28 pm (UTC)And there I go logicking at you again. Heh, whoops.
Chloroplasts may look like stacks of green pancakes, but that just means our shoulders are more comfy than those of the mitochondria.
( @-@).................( 4_4)
...........>( ^^)>.....( 4_4)
...............>( ^▽^)>('.'*)
(i glomps youuuuuu)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-04 06:54 pm (UTC)