"Thank You, Disillusionment..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

For some reason I am feeling ridiculously bad right now. I can think about it so much more logically than usual, which I assume is the medication (thank you, medication; I forgive you for costing about as much as a week's groceries), but the fact remains that I don't feel good. It's mostly just up and down, manic-then-depressed stuff, sort of run-of-the-mill bipolar, and it's not that it's bad so much as I'm just tired of it.

I'm very, very frustrated about being sick, basically. I shouldn't be; I should be used to this, and I know my four years is a lot less time than piles of people have had to endure their various and divers mental illnesses. I know that I'm a lucky girl with a huge support network, the money to pay for my uncrazy-making pills, two therapists, a psychiatrist who doesn't actually suck, and a great school that is very understanding about my problems (so far I have had to explain to several professors that I have anxiety disorder, and they were all incredibly nice about it--actually, I just finished writing an e-mail to Professor Righetti telling him he didn't need to apologise for making me cry after class yesterday, because it was a brain chemistry issue and not his fault). So things are really good for me.

At the same time, I'm just really miserable that this is still going on, and that it's still affecting my daily life. The light/dark affective is getting really bad, and I'm embarrassed by it. For the last three or four days, as soon as it's five o'clock or later I've just been crying for no reason at all, or with very little provocation. I start having to tell myself that everybody doesn't hate me, I start having to work incredibly hard not to fall apart (with very moderate success). Yesterday Dani ate dinner with me by myself because when I tried to sit at the table with everybody else I just could not deal, so I went off by myself and she came after me and sat with me. And I cried and squeaked out, "It's not fair. I'm so tired." Which is how I feel, even though I don't have that much justification for it.

My body is just so fragile anymore, it seems like. All it takes is one missed meal and I can't function at a normal level, my head hurts, my balance gets shot to hell, I can't make my sentences string together coherently. I get incredibly dizzy. I have had a headache for nearly two months now. It goes away for little periods of time and then it comes back and stays for days at a stretch. This morning, despite having breakfast and sleeping about eight and a half hours, I was so dizzy I could hardly function. I don't remember any of my first two classes, so I hope I took good notes.

And the thing is, apart from the physical and mental fail, things are going so well. I love my religion course, I love bio seminar, I'm doing really well at O.Chem--I had a meeting with Professor Reingold to-day because I wanted to get a tutor, and we went over some stuff, and I don't need a tutor so much as I just need to practise the maths more. I bought a new coat that actually closes in front, last week, and a really cute plum coloured shirt that looks surprisingly awesome. I have wonderful friends; Arielle let me sleep in her bed with her soft blanket on Thursday when I was depressed, and Michelle is just the epitome of awesome. Dani and Katie are so good to me, and Shawn acts like it's a chore to help me with my chem homework, but I don't think he minds that much. Maggie is the best roommate over. When I call home, everybody sounds happy. We have a new horse, The Quaker, and apparently he's a doll. I have fun in my classes, even the ones I hate. Things are going totally fine.

I think that's actually why the fact that I cannot keep my head together is making me so upset. It seems like there's no justification for it. And I really am tired of being so problematic. I feel like a drag on my friends groups. I hate not being able to learn at my best ability. I also hate not being the me I feel like I am. I know who I am, and I hate when it gets all clouded up with misery and loneliness and all I can do is cry and feel scared and alone and sick to my stomach. This evening I felt bad so I skipped dinner and just went to bed at six o'clock (and woke up at midnight. >_>) and that's just not me. That's the kind of behaviour pattern I used when I was unmedicated and undiagnosed. It makes me feel icky all over.

I see my therapist on Wednesday. So I need to let him know that I'm feeling this way, and hopefully he will have some suggestions. In the meantime, I just need to take a lot of deep breaths and try not to hate myself so much.

But I'm tired. And sometimes I just want this all to stop.

Comments

[ewein2412]

you just have to keep struggling on. it's what we all do, only some people hurt more than others, and I think you are one of them. or maybe some of us are just better at packaging it up. (sigh).

anyway we love you. ♥ so keep working.

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

We love you, lady. And we're proud of how far you've come. *hugs*

[raanve]

I have been feeling exceptionally bad the last few days, to the point where yesterday I couldn't even bring myself to go to work. I also made myself not interact on the internet, even though I really wanted to do some RP stuff. It just seemed like the better idea to just be quiet for a day.

I hear you on this. *hugs* I wish I had a lot of really smart, strong stuff to say... but all I can really say is that it sucks, hard, and I'm sorry. Hang in there. Utilize your support network (like you're doing here!), and take a few notes for your therapist appt (when I'm feeling my worst, it's hard for me to remember all the stuff I wanted to address). We're here for you.

[bewareofitalics]

*hugs tight* Love you.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

*picks you up and snuggles you* I love you.

[softerthansound.livejournal.com]

I know next to nothing about psychology (though I wish I did know a little), but I'm wondering if perhaps the reason you're feeling this way is the weight of seasonal depression on an already prevalent mental illness? I feel like crying and dying during these early months, too. Sadly, all I can suggest is a Verilux lamp (which truly does work wonders, but you know), and all the love I am sending you always, all the time. ♥

[zero_pixel_count]

*hugs*

[starpolish.livejournal.com]

This has not been a good week for many, I see. I lost a grandparent figure (ex-stepgrandpa, if that makes sense) and otherwise feel like life is just...crap.

"and I know my four years is a lot less time than piles of people have had to endure their various and divers mental illnesses."

Do not compare what you are going through to others' suffering, it is apples and oranges. Just because someone else has been ill for longer, or has a worse problem, etc., does not invalidate your pain, your frustration, and your feelings.

[tomecatti.livejournal.com]

*hug* You certainly aren't a drag on this friends group. You are one of the most adored people I know, and I adore you enough to understand why. And, I'm sure this won't help you much, but you don't need to feel bad about feeling bad when you have reasons to feel good. It sucks, of course, but, well. We all love you. <3

[elviaprose.livejournal.com]

I saw your entry and I just wanted to tell you that I admire you for keeping on with school while feeling so bad (With O-chem, even, which is the devil masquerading in the form of an academic subject--or so I'm told) I have several good friends from high school who have been suffering from depression, and it has caused them to put their lives completely on hold. So, just know that your random long lost friend from four years ago still thinks you're quite awesome :)

[faeriefly78.livejournal.com]

You do not have to apologize for any of this, or feel bad about any of this, because it is not you... it is a "brain chemistry issue and not" your "fault."

I love you and please remember I am here anytime you need me...

I can't believe we didn't get together over your break!

[the-chloroplast.livejournal.com]

We all know who you really are underneath all the crap your brain does - a funny, cheerful, nice, wonderful person with an excellent (if somewhat odd) sense of humor who is fun to be around. (The deluge of comments should alert you to that if nothing else does...)

And there I go logicking at you again. Heh, whoops.

Chloroplasts may look like stacks of green pancakes, but that just means our shoulders are more comfy than those of the mitochondria.

( @-@).................( 4_4)
...........>( ^^)>.....( 4_4)
...............>( ^▽^)>('.'*)

(i glomps youuuuuu)