"Romero Sank Into a Dream..."
Sep. 9th, 2009 09:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psalm_onethirtyoneI feel like I'm dying. I don't even know. Is this just normal up and down and I should wait for it to pass, or do I need to make some serious changes in my medication or somewhere? I have no idea. I just know that my whole body feels like it's dying.
Also Shawn told Katie that he thinks I make all this up for attention, and that shouldn't bother me, because Shawn is an idiot, but oh God it makes me feel so bad. It makes me feel completely filthy. Monday I went to the vertebrate zoology lab and just cried with the snakes and told them how lonely and guilty and miserable I am, and they were sleek and perfect and didn't answer.
And I'm about to be late again for class for about the sixth time this week. And my back has--not been treated gently throughout this, I have not been kind, but I want so much for some of this poison to seep out somewhere and I don't know of any other way.
Even the fact that I think Sean likes me and I know I like him isn't helping. I'm afraid he'll find all of this out about me and change his mind. It's easy to say, "People who really love you/matter won't be put off," but people who really love you have time to know you as who you are before they find out about how you're broken, and I don't know how much time is enough time for that.
All of this is too much right now.
Also Shawn told Katie that he thinks I make all this up for attention, and that shouldn't bother me, because Shawn is an idiot, but oh God it makes me feel so bad. It makes me feel completely filthy. Monday I went to the vertebrate zoology lab and just cried with the snakes and told them how lonely and guilty and miserable I am, and they were sleek and perfect and didn't answer.
And I'm about to be late again for class for about the sixth time this week. And my back has--not been treated gently throughout this, I have not been kind, but I want so much for some of this poison to seep out somewhere and I don't know of any other way.
Even the fact that I think Sean likes me and I know I like him isn't helping. I'm afraid he'll find all of this out about me and change his mind. It's easy to say, "People who really love you/matter won't be put off," but people who really love you have time to know you as who you are before they find out about how you're broken, and I don't know how much time is enough time for that.
All of this is too much right now.
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Date: 2009-09-09 05:56 pm (UTC)You know it's not true, I know it's not true, Katie and Dani and all our friends know it's not true. Shawn can be a nice boy, but he can also be an utter douche (excuse me) and extremely immature. Judgmental, I think, is a good word for what he is. (Whatever happens, don't tell him it was Katie that told you.)
The poison should seep out through tears and screaming. Blood is...imperfect because it doesn't flow freely; your body wants to keep it in, but tears are free and screaming is, too, and so is running until you can't run any more. Peace Chapel is a good place for screaming, and for running to. Just don't do it too much; you don't want to damage your voice.