"Romero Sank Into a Dream..."

[psalm_onethirtyone]

I feel like I'm dying. I don't even know. Is this just normal up and down and I should wait for it to pass, or do I need to make some serious changes in my medication or somewhere? I have no idea. I just know that my whole body feels like it's dying.

Also Shawn told Katie that he thinks I make all this up for attention, and that shouldn't bother me, because Shawn is an idiot, but oh God it makes me feel so bad. It makes me feel completely filthy. Monday I went to the vertebrate zoology lab and just cried with the snakes and told them how lonely and guilty and miserable I am, and they were sleek and perfect and didn't answer.

And I'm about to be late again for class for about the sixth time this week. And my back has--not been treated gently throughout this, I have not been kind, but I want so much for some of this poison to seep out somewhere and I don't know of any other way.

Even the fact that I think Sean likes me and I know I like him isn't helping. I'm afraid he'll find all of this out about me and change his mind. It's easy to say, "People who really love you/matter won't be put off," but people who really love you have time to know you as who you are before they find out about how you're broken, and I don't know how much time is enough time for that.

All of this is too much right now.

Comments

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

*just holds you*

[mhari.livejournal.com]

Well, I think Shawn says asshole things for attention. WHAT NOW, SHAWN. >:| Also I'd like to know why Katie thinks you need to hear about this.

It probably has something to do with the EIGHTEEN CREDITS, madam. *sits on you*

[raanve]

1) Can you call and check in with your doc? It might be normal up & down, but they might be able to give you better perspective. (Also, I know when I am smack in the middle of something, it never feels like "normal", even if technically it is. Ugh. It sucks.)

2) I know it's difficult, but try not to let that "doing it for attention" thing get to you. People who think that way (a) just do not Get It and (b) might, in fact, be a**h***s.

3) It's okay to give yourself a break. The reason you're not perfect is because no one is. You're not broken, you're just struggling. That's okay.

I wish I could help more. ♥

[the-chloroplast.livejournal.com]

You're normal. It's okay.

You know it's not true, I know it's not true, Katie and Dani and all our friends know it's not true. Shawn can be a nice boy, but he can also be an utter douche (excuse me) and extremely immature. Judgmental, I think, is a good word for what he is. (Whatever happens, don't tell him it was Katie that told you.)

The poison should seep out through tears and screaming. Blood is...imperfect because it doesn't flow freely; your body wants to keep it in, but tears are free and screaming is, too, and so is running until you can't run any more. Peace Chapel is a good place for screaming, and for running to. Just don't do it too much; you don't want to damage your voice.

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

oh, sweetheart. *holds and soothes* i know how it is to feel broken and like everything you do will come out broken -- just know, also, that it isn't so, that what's holding you back isn't you or something you could make up, that even inside the depression there's a being of unimaginable beauty, striving towards beauty, and that's who you are, that's what you're in a constant state of becoming even when it's dark and hard to see yourself growing, and you think you're growing crooked. know you're not. and listen to everything raanve says.

[little-lady-d.livejournal.com]

... listen to everything the_chloroplast says, too. just listen to everything everyone says who knows you and wants only happiness for you.

[eremon-lass.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. I'm not going to repeat everything everybody's already told you, but they're all perfectly right, and this will pass. It always does, because it's just as normal as anyone else's normal. *snuggleloves*

[softerthansound.livejournal.com]

No matter how much of an idiot you think he might be, there's no denying that when someone says something like that about you -- and perhaps even more so when it's untrue -- it hurts more than almost anything else. In spite of this, you should remember that you are not filthy and that he does not understand and that, ultimately, you do not make all this up for attention. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, maybe: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

[nowgoesquickly.livejournal.com]

Shawn must think he's awfully special and important to assume that you would feign mental illness to get his attention. Please tell me where he lives so I can find him and punch him in the face for being a dumbshit.

[green0dove.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[tiamatschild.livejournal.com]

*holds you* People say things like that because that is what our culture says mental illness is. It's a form of ablism, and that's part of why it hurts you even though you know Shawn is a jerk and doesn't know what's going on inside your head. I don't know if it helps you to think that it's nothing about you, it's about this whole broken societal system, large parts of which are set up so boys like Shawn can tell themselves no one really hurts that badly, but sometimes it helps me, because then it's just that little bit easier to remember that it's no reflection on me, so I thought I'd point that out. *hugshugshugs*