"I Would Gladly Stay an Afterthought..."
Nov. 2nd, 2011 01:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psalm_onethirtyoneThis summer, as I'm pretty sure I wrote, my advisor's son was killed by a drunk driver. I wrote him a card at the time to tell him how sorry I was; I didn't really know what to say (what do you say to a parent who's just lost his child?), but I had been working with a lot of people at the time who had lost children, and I wanted to say something.
He didn't say anything about it when I got back to school, so I really just assumed that he didn't want to -- I know when people comment on my really emotional posts I rarely know what to say, and usually end up not answering, but always being glad on the comfort that people offer, so I figured it was like that. He's mentioned his son once or twice in class, and I always feel sad, but certainly don't say anything.
Anyway, to-day I checked my mail for about the first time in a month, and there was a note from him thanking me. And he included a picture of the beach where they scattered his son's ashes. And I just stood there in the post office and cried, because -- I can't imagine. I can't imagine how big and terrible it would be. Scattering my grandparents' ashes was, in a way, easy to do, because they both lived long, full lives and I had plenty of time to make peace with their deaths. But to lose your oldest child right after he'd graduated from college, when you hadn't seen him in a year, and to have to give him back to the earth -- I just can't even begin to quantify how much grief you might feel. I just can't.
This kind of thing makes everything, especially me, feel really small. I wish I could do so much more to make things better, but my own power is so limited. In a way it makes me know that hospice is the right place for me, and in a way I feel bad even saying that because this isn't about me at all.
I guess what I wanted to say here was how moved I am that he took the time to write me a note and share the picture with me, which he didn't have to do at all, and I'm just so sorry.
He didn't say anything about it when I got back to school, so I really just assumed that he didn't want to -- I know when people comment on my really emotional posts I rarely know what to say, and usually end up not answering, but always being glad on the comfort that people offer, so I figured it was like that. He's mentioned his son once or twice in class, and I always feel sad, but certainly don't say anything.
Anyway, to-day I checked my mail for about the first time in a month, and there was a note from him thanking me. And he included a picture of the beach where they scattered his son's ashes. And I just stood there in the post office and cried, because -- I can't imagine. I can't imagine how big and terrible it would be. Scattering my grandparents' ashes was, in a way, easy to do, because they both lived long, full lives and I had plenty of time to make peace with their deaths. But to lose your oldest child right after he'd graduated from college, when you hadn't seen him in a year, and to have to give him back to the earth -- I just can't even begin to quantify how much grief you might feel. I just can't.
This kind of thing makes everything, especially me, feel really small. I wish I could do so much more to make things better, but my own power is so limited. In a way it makes me know that hospice is the right place for me, and in a way I feel bad even saying that because this isn't about me at all.
I guess what I wanted to say here was how moved I am that he took the time to write me a note and share the picture with me, which he didn't have to do at all, and I'm just so sorry.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-02 06:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-02 11:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-02 07:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-02 11:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-03 02:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-03 03:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-03 02:07 pm (UTC)I love you.
It's true that our power is limited, but do not ever underestimate the difference that making things better for a single person or helping one person out can make. For one thing, individuals matter. For another, doing so might help create the space that one person needs to do good things for who knows how many other folks. Your influence extends beyond the one.
You are going to go on to help so many people in good and important ways. You already have done. I know you've helped me a hundred different ways, and I thank you for that. And for reaching out to your advisor. <3
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-03 02:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-03 10:49 pm (UTC)also, I think you may be the loveliest person I know.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-03 10:56 pm (UTC)But thank you for the hugs. <333
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-03 11:43 pm (UTC)I know you're just a person, but I still think you are lovely.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-04 01:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-04 10:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-04 12:37 pm (UTC)