Whoever Dances is One with the Universe

This summer, as I'm pretty sure I wrote, my advisor's son was killed by a drunk driver. I wrote him a card at the time to tell him how sorry I was; I didn't really know what to say (what do you say to a parent who's just lost his child?), but I had been working with a lot of people at the time who had lost children, and I wanted to say something.

He didn't say anything about it when I got back to school, so I really just assumed that he didn't want to -- I know when people comment on my really emotional posts I rarely know what to say, and usually end up not answering, but always being glad on the comfort that people offer, so I figured it was like that. He's mentioned his son once or twice in class, and I always feel sad, but certainly don't say anything.

Anyway, to-day I checked my mail for about the first time in a month, and there was a note from him thanking me. And he included a picture of the beach where they scattered his son's ashes. And I just stood there in the post office and cried, because -- I can't imagine. I can't imagine how big and terrible it would be. Scattering my grandparents' ashes was, in a way, easy to do, because they both lived long, full lives and I had plenty of time to make peace with their deaths. But to lose your oldest child right after he'd graduated from college, when you hadn't seen him in a year, and to have to give him back to the earth -- I just can't even begin to quantify how much grief you might feel. I just can't.

This kind of thing makes everything, especially me, feel really small. I wish I could do so much more to make things better, but my own power is so limited. In a way it makes me know that hospice is the right place for me, and in a way I feel bad even saying that because this isn't about me at all.

I guess what I wanted to say here was how moved I am that he took the time to write me a note and share the picture with me, which he didn't have to do at all, and I'm just so sorry.

My mother called last evening to say that my nana was expected to die sometime during the night.

There is so much I regret.

My grandfather died to-day from cancer. He was in a whole lot of pain, so it's not a bad thing, and I'm glad that he won't be hurting any more. I just miss him very much.

It’s a little hard to sum up everything that’s going on right now, but I can give it a good try, or at least make a bulletpoint list of the important items, which may work just as well.

--My granddad will probably be dead within the next month. We thought it would be more than that, but he’s sicker than everyone thought. He’s in hospice care, and I know they are going to make him as comfortable as a person can be until he dies. It really is the dying that’s harder than the death--if I thought he would live the same amount of time and die on the same day but without any of the pain I think it would be almost easy to acknowledge. It’s just that he hurts so much, and all the time.

--The good news is that that’s the only really bad news. Otherwise, Christmas was kind of quiet. Will has decided he wants to be a dentist, which is really weird to me, but he’s got two more years before he’s even in college, so. I just find the dentist part surreal, since Will is a very, very handsome boy who keeps a coffin in his room and plays guitar in a rock band.

--I got my ears pierced as a present to me, which is sort of exciting. I have little stars in my ears! It only hurt a lot! I am totally going to forget to turn them every night, and I am going to rely on the_chloroplast to help me know how to do this right.

--Sherlock Holmes was utterly crazy and totally wonderful, and I loved it. Also, Maria has a celebrity crush on Robert Downey Jr., which is really really funny. I think we’re going to watch it again on New Year’s unless there is something better coming out, which I doubt.

--We watched the Star Trek episode where Kirk gets body switched with Dr. Lester last night, and somehow I’ve promised to write Maria Spock/Kirkette. That episode is just crazy, though, because it’s the most incredibly brilliant plot idea and they totally didn’t realise what they had in their hands, I think. The mutiny aspects are played up and the absolutely gorgeous unspoken Kirk-Spock interaction is just treated as mundane, which is really isn’t. Also the loyalty of the crew to Kirk, and also how badass Kirk is as a woman--a lot more badass than he is as a man, actually, but it’s really cool. I can also see how the episode could be perceived as incredibly misogynistic, and I was wondering where anybody else has seen it--particularly greyswandir. Because I want to know what other people got out of it. But I really loved it, and now I owe Maria fic, which is terrible, and it is going to be terrible.

--I’m going to post my Yuletide fic here as soon as I can, but I’m really reassured because my recipient liked it a lot, and that makes me feel really good. I was hoping she would. >_> I might actually creep on her and friend her after the reveal. I wonder if that’s bad manners.

--I also wrote Galahad/Sagramore, for some reason, but I’m not actually planning to post that unless there is some demand for baffling religious imagery and Galahad’s extremely weird relationships with people.

--I’m actually writing all this at two-thirty in the morning, even though I’m posting it now. There are kittens scratching on my door. I am going to kill them. Mabon walked through my paint to-day while I was working in my crafting area, and the Tribble is the cutest, cuddliest looking poof of fur, but when you try to pet her she glares at you and walks away.

--It's no longer two-thirty in the morning, and I have discovered, on the way to the library, that my car's speedometre and odometre no longer work. Also, he does not want to shift into first gear, and is making a very weird dripping noise when I drive. O_o This is really not the time, Car. Much as ilu.

--I swear to God I’m working on people’s Twelfth Night stuff!

--I am still on dialup and do not dare to try to inspect what has been going on in my flist during my absence, so you tell me! How was your holidays? My hopes are for the best--although it’s freezing, there is an almost full moon outside, and it is very beautiful

In brief:

To everyone's surprise, Natalie is not the one who's pregnant. The honour goes to Val, Daniel's long-time girlfriend. They're getting married. I'll be an aunt.

My grandfather is dying. He has inoperable cancer; we can't tell him because he won't remember. Mama said we'll be lucky if he lives to his ninetieth birthday in December.

I'm giving blood on Tuesday and God, I need this so bad.

I'm serving Eucharist at church to-morrow and should really be in bed right now, especially given that I haven't taken my antipsychotic mood stabiliser* yet and it will put me out for about ten hours.

*not that I'm bitter

I have got to get out of here, things have got to even up, the natural order of things is still natural but I'm losing my ability to handle it anyway. Oh, God, I wish it were a different day. I don't know how to face church right now.